Your ministry will never be stronger than your marriage, so ministry couples should avoid buying into these dangerous marriage myths.
By Mark Dance
Pastors are the only professionals on the planet who are required to win at home and work. Our biblical job description has been clear about this for more than two millennia (1 Timothy 3; Titus 1). I want to encourage you today but not by lowering the bar of Scripture. Instead, I will right-size a few expectations since most marriage and ministry problems can be traced to unrealistic and/or unmet expectations.
Janet and I have invested in about 100 ministry marriage events, and here are six of the most dangerous marriage myths we have seen couples buy into.
1. Sex will always be awesome
Sex is a big deal. Not just in Hollywood or the internet but in the Bible. Not just for the husband but for the wife too.
Guys, I don’t know why our wives are so different from us. All I know is my wife needs security more than sex, and affection more than provision.
The worst thing we can do is to try to change each other. Not just because it is futile, but also because it is an insult to the God who created us this way. My favorite book on this subject is Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Lehman.
Don’t let idealistic romanticism rob your marriage from the joy of everyday blessings.
2. Marriage is a 50/50 relationship
Keeping score makes sense in sports where the result is always a winner and loser. In marriage, competition ends with two losers.
“Keeping score makes sense in sports where the result is always a winner and loser. In marriage, competition ends with two losers.” — @markdance Share on XJesus taught us to go the second mile for other people. Who better than your spouse to practice that principle on? Why settle for 50% instead of 100%?
A believer’s marriage is a snapshot of the gospel (Ephesians 5). Our gospel contract puts 100% of the initiative and sustainability of our covenant on Jesus, yet the greatest commandment reminds us we are to love Him exclusively and with “all” of our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Mark 12:30).
The 50/50 myth suggests there is something you are holding back, which is not how covenants are made or strengthened.
3. You will never consider divorce
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a pastor say they would never consider divorce, then drop this tired, old line: “I’ve considered murder but never divorce” (cue the courtesy laugh).
The truth is, we have all committed murder and adultery in our hearts if we have been married for long. If you have considered committing them literally, you would be hesitant to share that with others. I’m not writing this to minimize or encourage either, but I am making an appeal for honesty to pastors and their spouses.
Ministry marriages experience the same challenges as other marriages, yet statistically, they divorce at a lower rate. Only 10% of pastors have been divorced, compared to 27% of the U.S. population, according to Barna. Lifeway Research found 96% of ministry spouses are satisfied with their marriage. Nobody will make you happier or angrier than your spouse. Your marriage will have problems, so deal with them honestly as they come up.
4. Oneness equals sameness
I’ve heard people say, “There is no more me, just us.” I’m not buying it.
Instead of suppressing your differences, celebrate them! Becoming one through marriage does not mean you are losing your identity; it means you are gaining unity.
“Becoming one through marriage does not mean you are losing your identity; it means you are gaining unity.” — @markdance Share on XYou don’t always need to be on the same page, you just need to know how to deal with an inevitable tie-breaker. Fight for unity, even if that means fighting with each other. Avoiding conflict only delays your inevitable need to resolve it.
5. Separate budgets are easier
If you want to be married to a queen, then treat her like one by getting on the same page. Literally.
You likely have painfully polarizing differences in spending habits, but covenants are based on commitment, not convenience. Instead of trying to change one another, lean into the tension that makes you better together. If you are both spenders, you will end up broke; and if you are both savers, you will end up bored.
Pastor, we are called to “manage” our homes and churches, which means we are usually the most responsible person in the room. The fact is, we are also usually the least competent person in the room when it comes to financial literacy, so how do you reconcile that? Make sure you always have the big picture at home and work and entrust the details to those whom God has gifted more in that area.
Invest whatever time is necessary to staying current with your family finances. Help your spouse build and manage a spending plan that keeps you on the winning side of compound interest.
6. We don’t have time to date
Sometimes we need to disconnect from our ministries so we can reconnect with our families. Stop making excuses and make sure your calendar matches your priorities. Although we cannot date the same way in every season of our lives, do not stop dating altogether.
“We need to own the condition of our marriage and make whatever changes are necessary to get it back into growth mode.” — @markdance Share on XPastors and missionaries—we need to own the condition of our marriage and make whatever changes are necessary to get it back into growth mode. Our ministries will never be stronger than our marriages.
For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.
Mark Dance
After serving as a pastor for 27 years, Mark Dance is now the director of pastoral wellness for GuideStone Financial Resources and is the author of Start to Finish.
