Your role in the lives of our nation’s military families is crucial. The church is equipped to bring the healing power our military needs.
By Ashley Ashcraft
“Attention all staff: code red. Repeat. Attention all staff: code red.” The principal’s voice interrupted sixth period through the high school’s intercom system. The students I was tutoring immediately looked to the classroom teacher, who swiftly walked to the door, locked it, and turned out the lights. We didn’t know what was happening, but the fear was palpable. This wasn’t a drill.
Within minutes, my students started receiving text messages from their parents, many of whom were soldiers on the nearby Army post. We pieced together that there was a mass shooting on Fort Cavazos (formerly Fort Hood). The post was immediately shut down. No one was allowed on or off the base. For all we knew, an active shooter was killing service members, and my spouse and their parents were stuck there.
In an ideal world, I’d have driven to my parents’ house to seek comfort in their arms. But most military families don’t have that option. We’re stationed hundreds or thousands of miles away. So where should we turn when we need our family, but they can’t be there? Simple, the church.
The church’s role
Later that evening, I found out my husband was safe in an aviation hangar, away from where the deadly shooting occurred that killed 13 people and wounded others. I remember sitting with my back against our tan dining room wall and my knees pulled to my chest as I waited for Tim to receive clearance to leave the base, which didn’t happen until nearly midnight. While I waited, my phone rang.
“Hi, this is Helen from First Baptist Church. Is this Ashley?”
“Yes,” I answered, wondering why someone I didn’t know from the church was calling me.
“We heard about the incident on post today and wanted to call and see if your husband is safe and if there’s anything we can do for you.”
First Baptist Belton is large, holding a few hundred seats under the gem-colored stained-glass windows that line the walls. I was flabbergasted that our church took the time to call each military family and thankful we’d checked the box marked “military” on the welcome card. The church’s phone call left me feeling safe, loved, supported, and seen after such a terrifying event.
It’s easy to think scary situations in the military only happen during deployment. However, more service members die stateside than they do on the battlefield. We don’t just need the church when our warriors are deployed. We need the church to come alongside us in our daily lives as military families.
“We don’t just need the church when our warriors are deployed. We need the church to come alongside us in our daily lives as military families.” — Ashley Ashcraft , military wife Share on XHere are seven ways the church can support military families:
1. Invite us to connect outside of the worship service
Many families in our military community don’t feel like they have the bandwidth to get involved, especially after a recent move or while their service member is away on duty. Going out of our way to seek opportunities to get to know people in the church can feel exhausting. If you invite us, we’ll be more receptive. And keep inviting us if we don’t come the first time. It takes a lot of courage to start over every time we move.
2. Pray for us and with us
As we’ve moved around the country, many churches have prayed for us and our fellow military members. In one church, our small group gathered around our chairs to lay hands on us as we prepared to move to our next duty station. Another time, when my husband was shot down in Afghanistan, our pastor led the entire congregation in a prayer for my husband and the other deployed service members.
3. Be gracious with our children who face unique challenges
At one point, my kids had lived in as many houses as they were years old. My eight-year-old lived in eight houses. My six-year-old lived in six houses. And my four-year-old lived in four houses. The constant state of transition for military children can lead to challenges such as anxiety, transition disorder, or relocation depression.
Even when we’re not in the middle of a move, their lives are still in frequent transition as their military parent regularly leaves for training and deployments. Please offer our kids compassion if you notice behavior challenges or intense emotions. A lot is asked of them in this lifestyle.
4. Help us strengthen our marriages
The military marriages in your community are likely struggling. The military has the highest divorce rate of any profession, double that of civilian couples. And for those marriages whose military member has PTSD, the divorce rate soars to 60%.
Between the stress of frequent moves, financial burdens, solo parenting, and regular separations, military members are forced to deal with significant stress (on top of everyday challenges). Please intentionally pour into our marriages. Offer counseling, mentorship, and classes to help us stay strong as couples.
5. Share military-based, gospel-centered resources with us
As you counsel us, it would be beneficial for you to have relevant resources to guide us. There is a plethora of faith-based resources available for marriages, but ones that are military-specific speak to us more helpfully. Here is a list of resources that will benefit the military members in your congregation:
- Bulletproof Marriage by Adam Davis and Dave Grossman
- When War Comes Home by Chris Adsit, Rahnella Adsit, and Marshele Waddell
- 5 Love Languages: Military Edition by Gary Chapman with Jocelyn Green
- Mission-Ready Marriage by Ashley Ashcraft
6. Offer to be our pseudo-family
We’re probably not going to come right out and say this, but we need the tangible support of our family. However, that’s simply not possible in this lifestyle. Will you step in and be our pseudo-family? Invite us to holiday dinners, fix the leaking faucet when our husband is deployed, offer to watch our children so we can have a date night, and help mow the lawn when our service member is out in the field training. The popular phrase, “It takes a village,” is true. But we don’t have our village, so we’d love for you to welcome us into yours.
7. Create military programs to support our families
We’ve moved 12 times in our 15 years in the military. Different churches have uniquely supported our military community. Our church in Kansas had a military appreciation night shortly after the summer moving season where they provided a free meal and allowed us to get to know other military families in the church.
At our church in North Carolina, we welcome new military families with a goodie bag that contains a long list of local and national military resources, a free Bible challenge book from the Armed Services Ministry, and a book for military spouses. We also have a program that pairs church members with families whose service member is deployed. The goal is to stand in the gap for military families in their warrior’s absence.
Your role in the lives of our nation’s military families is crucial. No other group of people is better equipped to bring the healing power our military needs than the church—those who hold the gospel message of salvation and transformation.
For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.
