To understand the modern reality of kids living in their parents’ basement, we must consider both their upbringing and external factors.
By PJ Dunn
Years of dreaming and shopping for an RV have led to the big moment: hitting the road in a motor home with your spouse for a trip of a lifetime. Just as you’ve mapped out your route through the Grand Canyon, you and your spouse get a group text from your daughter. “Mom, Dad, would it be OK if I moved back home for a bit after graduation to save money?” That was eight years ago, and while you love her, she still lives in the basement.
Maybe your young adult stayed home after high school and entered the workforce. You were happy to help them get the chance you never had to save money and launch. But now they show no signs of moving out and remind you daily that things are not like they were when you were their age. What has changed in our culture, and why does it feel like our children are not adulting?
As of 2022, over half (56%) of adults aged 18-24 lived in their parent’s homes. Between 1960 and 2022, the percentage of young adults ages 18-24 living with their parents increased from 52% to 57% for men and from 35% to 55% for women. Elevated housing costs across America and the cost of living have heavily influenced young adults to stay home with their parents. To understand the current reality of young adults living at home, we must be honest about their upbringing instead of only blaming external factors.
Adulting has always been hard
One of my favorite rides is the Carousel of Progress at Disney World. While the title “ride” is generous, this rotating robot theater documentary was built for the 1964-1965 World’s Fair. It demonstrates aspects of American life in the 1900s, 1920s, 1940s, and future and present day with an iconic song, “It’s a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow” by the Sherman Brothers.
It’s an extremely optimistic journey of looking back and being thankful for today’s modern conveniences, not the hardships of the current reality. What if we paid more attention to where God has brought us from than where we are going, resting in a Savior who calls us to focus on today, not tomorrow?
Adulting isn’t supposed to be easy, and it never has been. Jesus never promised comfort, but He did promise we wouldn’t face this life it alone. “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world” (John 16:33, CSB).
Even as Jesus adulted, He struggled to be accepted in His hometown (John 1:11). The Israelites constantly looked back in nostalgia to Egypt—a land they prayed to be delivered from—as a season where they had it better than their current reality (Numbers 11:4-6).
Parents, lean into Ecclesiastes 7:10 and listen to your young adult living at home while offering wisdom and guidance toward their beautiful tomorrow when they are complete in Christ.
Parent your child to be an adult
When Hannah dedicated Samuel to the Lord, she did so because she knew he belonged to the Lord first (1 Samuel 1:27-28). We live in a culture where parents are defined by their children, not Jesus.
Parents, you are not complete because of your child’s success, financial stability, social status, sports accomplishments, social activities, education, or possible future of marriage and grandkids. You are complete in Christ. You need to parent with the end goal of your child belonging to the Lord and walking with Him.
Parenting is a huge responsibility. It’s easy when they’re little to lose sight of Proverbs 22:6 to raise them young to follow Jesus so they will not depart from it when they’re older. The boundaries we set for toddlers have implications when they’re teens.
To keep our eyes on Christ’s plan for their lives, we must pause daily and remember we are raising adults who belong to the Lord. It’s not easy, but you’re not alone in this journey. This is where the local church intersects the family to provide biblical environments to strengthen parents to lead their children.
“To keep our eyes on Christ’s plan for their lives, we must pause daily and remember we are raising adults who belong to the Lord.” — @PJ_Dunn Share on XGive opportunities, not life support
It’s easy to slip into the trap of doing the work for our children instead of allowing them to learn the lesson. The parable of the prodigal son illustrates how life presents growth opportunities despite the wrong decisions our children make. It reminds us that while mistakes may lead to hardship, they also create moments for learning, grace, and redemption. If your young adult in the basement is on life support, not opportunity support, it’s time to change.
Opportunities have freedom, guardrails, and clarity of next steps. We do an injustice to our young adults when we give them complete freedom while they are still launching as adults. Guardrails look less like curfew and more like training wheels. Teaching our children how to budget and manage money at an early age teaches them the fruit of the spirit as much as how to balance a checking account. It’s never too late to start implementing guardrails. They guide our young adults to Jesus and adulthood.
Our churches likewise need to see young adults as volunteers and disciple makers. Creating ministries may be easier to manage than walking with young adults. However, with 1 in 3 young adults feeling completely alone, they’re desperate for a relationship with Jesus and a trusted adult. We must offer opportunities for young adults in the church and model the expectation that parents do the same.
Adapt to the current reality of your young adult
“Opportunities have freedom, guardrails, and clarity of next steps. We do an injustice to our young adults when we give them complete freedom while they are still launching as adults.” — @PJ_Dunn Share on XThe beginning of the 20th century saw an average life expectancy of just over 43 years. For those born in the 1950s and 1960s, life expectancy was around 70. In 2023, a few years after the height of COVID-19, life expectancy was over 78 years and increasing slightly each year. We’re living longer, but our timeline for adulthood has not increased. We continue to hold the timeline for adulthood to the life expectancy we experienced, not the current reality. So why does this matter to parents and the local church? Let’s look at four key stats:
1. More than half of young adults are single.
- Parents: Expect your young adult to be single, have single friends, and still be indecisive about long-term relationships.
- Church: If you’re reaching your community, your young adult ministry will be predominantly single. Create authentic environments for them to serve and make disciples.
2. The average age for first-time marriage for women is 28 and for men is 30.
- Parents: If your children attend college, expect them to come home unmarried.
- Church: A young married ministry will attract late 20s and early 30s and fewer in their early 20s.
3. Mothers, on average, are 27 years old at their first birth.
- Parents: If your young adult has children, it will likely be later in life for them and you than it was for you and your parents.
- Church: Age-graded groups and ministry will have a wide range of life stages, unlike prior generations.
4. Young adults think they need $500,000 a year to succeed.
- Parents: When young adults are unsure if they can even afford rent, it doesn’t help when you mention how much you paid for your starter home.
- Church: Everything belongs to the Lord, and the things of this world are only temporary, not eternal.
Your young adult in the basement needs you, Jesus, and the local church. Together, as a team and through the Holy Spirit, your goal will not be to rush to empty nesting but to make disciples who make disciples. We are not a landlord to our children. We are influencing a generation to love God and love others.
The isolation of raising a child is only felt in the absence of a God who knows the number of hairs on their head, knows your children by name, and will draw them near in times of trouble. What an honor to offer our young adults options, not just support, when we are complete in Christ and trust in Him.
For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.
