By learning to think differently about abuse, pastors can equip themselves to better identify harmful dynamics and care for hurting people.
By Christine Crawford
While many pastors endeavor to protect the vulnerable, a misunderstanding of abuse and its dynamics can inadvertently embolden the powerful. By learning to think differently about abuse, pastors can equip themselves to better identify harmful dynamics and care for hurting women.
Research shows 1 in 3 Christian women has encountered intimate partner abuse, yet many pastors lack the training to address it in their churches. Further, a 2018 Lifeway Research survey of Protestant pastors reveals the following:
- More than 2 in 5 pastors (46%) believe abuse is not a problem in their congregations, and 19% believe it isn’t a problem in their communities.
- Nearly half speak to their church about domestic or sexual violence once a year or less, with 13% reporting they address it less than once a year and 7% saying they never address it.
- Nearly 3 in 10 pastors (29%) who speak less than once a year about domestic or sexual violence say they don’t address it because they deem it less important than other topics.
- Among those who address abuse at least once a year, less than half (46%) say they’ve been trained in domestic violence issues.
Disregarding abuse and underestimating its prevalence leaves abusers unaccountable and victims at risk. With so many women suffering, how can pastors respond redemptively?
Pastors wishing to respond well to those experiencing abuse must think differently in three key ways.
1. Broaden the definition of abuse
A narrow definition of abuse can lead to an inadequate and possibly damaging pastoral response, whereas a comprehensive understanding of abuse equips pastors to guide both husband and wife toward healing.
According to experts such as The National Institute of Health and REACH Beyond Domestic Violence, abuse is ultimately about gaining and maintaining control, and its methodologies extend beyond physical violence and into sexual, verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial harm.
Despite professionals’ comprehensive characterization of abuse, many pastors hold a narrower definition and embrace the common misconception that only severe physical violence constitutes abuse. While some may minimize the brutality of verbal and emotional abuse, research demonstrates they are both damaging. The author of Proverbs communicates the detrimental impact of hurtful words (Proverbs 15, Proverbs 18), and the apostle Paul certainly offers a framework for biblical love that doesn’t bully, shame, coerce, control, neglect, demean, or dehumanize (1 Corinthians 13).
Referencing passages such as Proverbs 12:18, Christian counselor Leslie Vernick highlights the devastation emotional cruelty can cause. Thus, if pastors wish to counsel hurting individuals holistically, they must grasp the full scope, various methodologies, and profound impact of all types of abuse.
“If pastors wish to counsel hurting individuals holistically, they must grasp the full scope, various methodologies, and profound impact of all types of abuse.” — Christine Crawford Share on X2. Understand the dynamics of abuse
In addition to adopting a broader definition of abuse, pastors should endeavor to recognize its unique dynamics, as they necessitate a different approach than those employed in standard marriage counseling.
Typically, pastors meet with couples together and encourage both parties to acknowledge their contributions to the problem and learn better ways to communicate and engage in conflict. Someone experiencing abuse, however, needs a safe and private environment to speak openly without fear. But meeting as a couple gives the abuser another opportunity to sensor the victim and weaponize anything she shares.
Further, assuming and prescribing co-responsibility in an abusive dynamic often buttresses the harm, because it insinuates the abused shares culpability for the abuser’s sin. Yet, either because they misunderstand the dynamic or believe the myth victims somehow cause or deserve abuse, pastors often use an “it takes two to tango” approach.
When pastors heap even partial responsibility onto a victim, it justifies their abuser’s accusations, and the pastoral/counseling space becomes another unsafe and traumatizing environment.
“When pastors heap even partial responsibility onto a victim, it justifies their abuser's accusations, and the pastoral/counseling space becomes another unsafe and traumatizing environment.” — Christine Crawford Share on XInstead, pastors should recognize the abuser’s chronic misappropriation of responsibility and address abuse much like addiction—as a serious one-sided dynamic rather than a typical two-way disagreement. Thus, a shared-blame perspective should be avoided at all costs in abusive situations, as it further enables the abuser and revictimizes the abused.
3. Offer pastoral support and connect with trauma-informed experts
An abused individual’s needs often far exceed the level of care a pastor can provide. The best course of action is to offer loving pastoral support and refer that person to a trauma-informed therapist who can ensure safety and the necessary delicate care.
Church leaders can then attempt to hold the abuser responsible for sin, hopefully creating a catalyst for repentance and healing. Should the abuser choose to do the work necessary to develop into a person of integrity, the church will walk alongside them in accountability. Meanwhile, they should continue to protect the abused, not requiring reconciliation.
If faith communities endeavor to protect the vulnerable and pastors wish to respond more redemptively to those trapped in abusive dynamics, they need to shift their approach. By thinking differently about the definition and dynamics of abuse, pastors can embolden the vulnerable and shift the ethos toward maintaining God-honoring marriages.
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