4 Ways to Invest in Your Marriage as a Pastor

Amid the pressures and challenges of ministry, how can you invest in your marriage so the relationship flourishes and thrives?

By Andrew Hébert

My wife and I were thrilled when we built our first home a few years ago. As a young married couple with two young children, we were ready to move out of the cramped apartment we had called home for some time into something with a bit more elbow room. The new house was everything we’d hoped it would be and more, with one exception.

We quickly learned part of the privilege of home ownership includes the responsibility of home maintenance. In our apartment, any time something broke, we would call the building owner, and he would come fix it. As homeowners, we are now in charge of maintaining the home. We discovered when you own a home, if you don’t proactively work on your house, things begin to fall apart.

Marriage maintenance

In this way, marriage is a lot like home ownership. If you don’t proactively invest in your marriage, things will start to break and fall apart. There’s no such thing as “neutral” in marriage. You are either moving forward or moving backward. You are either working to improve it, or you are going to have to deal with needed repairs later. But you can’t coast to a healthy marriage; you’ve got to intentionally invest in it.

According to The Greatest Needs of Pastors study, 26% of pastors admit marriage is one aspect of their personal lives needing attention. Ministry provides unique challenges to marriage. The demands on time, the sometimes unrealistic expectations on ministry families, the emotional and occasional financial stresses ministry families experience—all of this and more put pressure on pastors’ marriages.

26% of pastors admit marriage is one aspect of their personal lives needing attention. Share on X

Amid these challenges, how can we, as pastors, invest in our marriages so we don’t just survive but thrive in our marital health? While there are many ways to invest, let me share four practices that have helped my marriage tremendously.

1. Observe weekly Sabbath

God has hardwired into the universe a rhythm of work and rest. Sabbath is a gift that reminds us of our limits, invites us to enjoy leisure in God’s presence, and encourages us with the reality that Jesus continues to reign as Lord even when we rest.

Once a week, you need to pull back and invest in the health of your own soul, the relationships that matter most to you (such as your marriage), and your walk with God. In his book Working the Angles, Eugene Peterson described the two-fold purpose of weekly Sabbath as an opportunity to pray and to play. In other words, observing a once-a-week day to rest gives us the opportunity to pay attention to God and the things that nourish our spiritual health and to invest in the things that “fill up the bucket” for us emotionally, physically, and relationally.

This Sabbath invitation gives us freedom to enjoy not only worshiping but also relaxing, having fun, and enjoying leisure time. Since Sunday is a “work day” for a pastor, you should take one other day during the week to pull back and rest. This day should include spending time with your spouse and children. Get outside, play a board game, take a short trip somewhere, ride bikes, swim in the pool, do something fun. Weekly Sabbath is also a great opportunity to take your wife on a date. It might be something as simple as going to grab a cup of coffee, or it may involve something more extensive. But one day a week, you need to stop working and enjoy the opportunity to rest, pray, play, and enjoy your family—especially your spouse.

2. Engage in frequent conversation about the things that matter most

It’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life as a ministry family. But setting aside time for intentional conversation with your wife about the things that matter most is important to your marital health. I tell young couples it is more important to date after you get married than before you get married. You need to be a student of your spouse and continue to invest in her emotionally.

“It is more important to date after you get married than before you get married.” — @andrewhebert86 Share on X

Find a time at least once a week to have an intentional conversation with your spouse. My wife Amy and I have used several conversation tools over the last several years. Consider using this set of questions each week:

• What brought you joy this week?
• What was hard for you this week?
• How can I pray for you this week?
• Is there anything I can do for you this week?
• Do you have any unconfessed sin, unaddressed hurt, or unresolved conflict?
• What are your current dreams, cravings, and desires?
• How are we handling our finances?
• How is our sex life?

Or try these:

• What’s making you glad?
• What’s making you mad?
• What’s making you sad? 
• What’s making you anxious? 

If you want a shorter conversation starter, try this:

• What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this week?
• What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you this week?

These conversation prompts help us get beneath the surface issues of work, school, kids, and ministry and talk about what’s on our hearts. We also take the opportunity to pray for each other after each of these conversations. A weekly commitment to spend 30-45 minutes walking through questions like these can go a long way as you invest in your marriage.

3. Take all your vacation days and get away regularly

Early in my ministry, I felt guilty taking vacation time. It seemed there was always an emergency at the church, a funeral that needed to be conducted, or a couple who needed counseling. And I didn’t always feel the freedom to get away with my family. As I have matured in my ministry over the years, I’ve come to realize that this mentality cheats your family.

Truthfully, my church will be just fine without me. What’s more, I will be a better pastor for my church if I am first a good husband and dad.

Use your vacation time. You need it. Your family needs it. Put the same amount of time and effort into your vacation schedule and planning as you do your church’s calendar and ministry programming.

“Put the same amount of time and effort into your vacation schedule and planning as you do your church's calendar and ministry programming.” — @andrewhebert86 Share on X

Several years ago, someone suggested I get away at least once a quarter, even if it’s just for a couple of nights. Then once or twice a year, it’s good to get away for an extended period of time. For several years, we have tried to take multiple small trips throughout the year as a family, one vacation in the middle of the year as a family, at least one get-away for just me and my wife, and then several days of “staycation” at the end of the year, where I use the rest of my vacation days and we stay at home and do whatever sounds fun as a family.

Dream big with your spouse about where you’d like to go. Work to make those trips happen. And don’t feel guilty for getting away together. Your marriage (and as a result, your church) will benefit greatly.

4. Invest in hobbies together

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to do some leadership coaching with a well-respected and highly experienced pastor. The first time we met, I was expecting to talk about church ministry and leadership. He turned the attention instead to the health of my marriage. He asked me about how often I date my wife, where we planned to vacation, and if I was taking time off for rest and replenishment. Then he asked me a surprising question: “Andrew, what hobbies are you investing in?”

Hobbies? Pastors don’t have time for hobbies. Everyone knows that.

He helped me understand healthy pastors develop an identity apart from the work they do. I am not, first and foremost, what I do. This means, of course, my identity is first in Christ. But beyond that, I have a unique personality and interests. Investing in hobbies, even if you feel guilty in doing so, helps you maintain an identity apart from your job so that you can lead from a healthy soul.

Beyond that, hobbies are wonderful opportunities to do things together as a couple. Over the years, Amy and I have enjoyed pursuing mutual interests and learning new hobbies that have brought us closer together and given us opportunities to enjoy great experiences together. We’ve gone scuba diving, hunting, horseback riding, and swing dancing. We’ve visited multiple minor and major league baseball stadiums, done triathlon workouts, and traveled the world. We really haven’t met a hobby we haven’t enjoyed. But the key is that we’ve done these hobbies together.

Your first ministry

Your first ministry is your family. I’m sure that you, like me, don’t want to sacrifice your marriage on the altar of your ministry. It’s been said the light that shines the furthest shines the brightest at home. Any number of people can pastor your church. But your wife has one husband, your kids have one dad, and you have one opportunity to love them well. Make no apologies for investing in your marriage. Caring for yourself and caring for your spouse is not selfish. It’s healthy. When you invest well in your marriage, you will serve your bride and Christ’s bride well.

For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.