Most couples in serious relationships in America argue at least occasionally—and most often about tone of voice or attitude.
By Marissa Postell Sullivan
If you’re arguing with your spouse this Valentine’s Day, you’re probably not alone—especially if you’re younger or newer to your relationship. It may even feel like you’ve had this same argument before.
Most people don’t stand at the altar on their wedding day looking forward to all the arguments they will have throughout their marriage. But for 90% of Americans in a serious relationship, at least occasional arguing is a relational reality, according to a recent YouGov poll. Similar shares of people say they argue at least weekly (30%), once or multiple times a month (28%), and once or multiple times a year (32%). Few (3%) say they never argue, and 6% say they’re not sure how often they argue in their relationship.
90% of Americans in a serious relationship argue with their significant other at least occasionally, including 30% who do so at least weekly, according to YouGov. Share on XYounger people and those in younger relationships are more likely to report more frequent arguments than those who are older or in longer relationships. Those who are more religious—say religion is very important to them, frequently attend religious services, and pray more often—also report more frequent arguments than those who are less religious.
Still, an earlier study from the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) found couples who regularly go to church together report higher levels of happiness than those who don’t. More than 3 in 4 regular church-attending couples (78%) say they are very happy or extremely happy in their relationship. Only 67% of couples who do not attend church say the same. And in relationships where only the woman attends church, fewer than 3 in 5 couples are very or extremely happy (59%).
But according to the YouGov poll, half of American couples say they argue in healthy ways (50%). So, a lack of arguments may not be the key to relational happiness.
What are we arguing about?
More than any other topic, Americans say they argue about tone of voice or attitude (39%). From a list of 20 options, the next most common responses were money (28%), communication styles (26%), household chores (21%), and relationships with immediate and extended family (20%). But as the list makes clear, couples can argue over just about any topic. And pastors are not exempt from these struggles. One in 4 pastors (26%) say their marriage needs attention or investment today, according to Lifeway Research’s Greatest Needs of Pastors study.
One in 4 pastors (26%) say their marriage needs attention or investment today, according to Lifeway Research’s Greatest Needs of Pastors study. Share on XFor 17 of the 20 possible topics for arguments in the YouGov poll, those 18 to 44 years old were more likely than those 45 and older to say that was a topic they argued about in their relationship. People 45 and older were much more likely than those younger than them to say they argue over tone of voice or attitude (45% v. 31%). Older people were also slightly more likely to argue about communication styles (28% v. 24%) and health or lifestyle decisions (14% v. 12%).
How do couples argue?
Three in 10 Americans in serious relationships (30%) say their style of arguing is very or somewhat unhealthy. Of the four behaviors asked about in the survey, few people said they came up frequently in arguments. But many said they appear at least some of the time.
Americans are most likely to say they always or most of the time raise their voice in arguments (26%). Half say they do this some of the time (49%), and 19% say they never raise their voice. One in 5 say they always or most of the time give the silent treatment (19%). Two in 5 say they do this some of the time (41%), and 31% say they never give the silent treatment. Twelve percent say they always or most of the time resort to swearing or name-calling, while 27% say they do this some of the time and 53% say they never do. Finally, 14% say they cry during arguments always or most of the time. Three in 10 say they do some of the time (29%), and 51% say they never cry in arguments.
For many couples, their arguments are not new but repetitions of previous arguments. Nearly half of Americans in serious relationships (48%) say they feel like they get into the same arguments repeatedly. And some say they have gotten into arguments that last at least 24 hours (22%).
However, people tend to prefer to keep their arguments relatively private, even shielding their children from them. Less than 2 in 5 couples with children (35%) say they ever get into arguments in front of their children. Fewer say they get into arguments in front of friends (20%). And only 16% of couples say they get into arguments in public places.
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