As you seek to support children who’ve experienced trauma, equip yourself and your church with these tools for ministry.
By Kate Rietema
Last week, students at my children’s school lost a friend and classmate to suicide. I watched with a heart of grief and gratitude as our church flung wide its doors to welcome hurting kids. The church cooked hamburgers and provided space for students to express their feelings, ask questions, share stories, and be together.
As we seek to support children who’ve experienced trauma, let’s clarify this term. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event.” Trauma can be further understood by dividing it into three overarching categories: acute, chronic, and complex. This article will focus on acute trauma.
Acute trauma refers to a single traumatic event, including:
- The death of a loved one
- Changes in family structure, such as incarceration or divorce
- Natural disasters
- Involvement in an accident or life-threatening situation
- Hospitalization or serious injury
- Sexual assault
- Being a victim of bullying
- Witnessing a violent act, especially against a family member
Providing support
Our church reached dozens of students in that first wave of grief after news of the suicide. The opportunity for a communal expression of sorrow was enough to set many classmates back on their feet. But for close friends and family, the effects of this trauma will run deeper and persist longer.
Let’s imagine the student who committed suicide had a younger sister. How can the church come alongside her? What about a child whose parents are getting a divorce, or who survived a violent car accident, or who lost their home in a fire? Just like there’s no single right way for children to grieve, there’s no single right way to offer support. With this in mind, let’s first pray for wisdom to know how to help. After prayer, the most vital thing is showing up. Our presence matters. Hopefully, someone in your church already has an established, positive relationship with the child. Maybe this person is the children’s ministry director, Sunday School teacher, or youth group leader. Here are some key points for anyone walking alongside that child or student to keep in mind:
1. Create a safe, comfortable environment
Schedule regular interactions, and be consistent. Let her know you are a safe and trusted person. She might find it easier to talk while moving or doing an activity. Consider going for a walk, playing catch, coloring, making beaded jewelry, or eating ice cream. Build trust and create a comfortable environment for her to talk.
2. Listen and validate
Listen quietly, without judgment. Encourage her to talk about her emotions. An age-appropriate feelings chart could be a useful tool. Pointing to a feeling is often easier than finding the words. Validate her feelings and let her know they are normal. When processing grief, feelings aren’t “right or wrong”—they just are. Tell her you understand. Reinforce that the traumatic event isn’t her fault. Always speak the truth, and admit when you don’t know an answer.
“When processing grief, feelings aren’t ‘right or wrong’—they just are.” — @KateRietema Share on X3. Encourage coping skills
Help her make a list or poster of things she can do to cope with big feelings. Items on the poster might include playing with a pet, listening to music, breathing exercises, jumping on a trampoline, squeezing a stuffed animal, praying out loud, resting under a weighted blanket, dribbling a basketball, painting, journaling, or walking outside. Encourage caregivers to establish and maintain routine, as structure can offer a sense of security and safety.
4. Offer resources and get additional help
Find additional resources, this may include peer support groups or age-appropriate books on grief. If you feel like the situation is beyond your capability or if she ever has thoughts about harming herself or others, help the family locate a professional counselor skilled in working with children. Also, reflect on how the situation is affecting you. If you are suffering from vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue, consider finding support for yourself too.
5. Anticipate adjacent issues
She might struggle with anxiety, difficulty concentrating, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, or outbursts of anger. Help her understand that grief comes in waves. It’s normal to bounce between easier and harder days. It might be difficult to watch others continue with daily life, seemingly unaffected. And she might experience guilt when feelings of happiness start to return. Affirm this as a normal part of the process. Avoid expectations surrounding grief. Remind her she’s not alone.
6. Build resilience and affirm God’s goodness
Acknowledge pain and hardship as an expected, unavoidable part of life. As time goes on, practice habits of gratitude and search for positive parts of each day. Plan things to look forward to. Find ways to help and encourage others. Help her and her family focus on making new memories and traditions. Encourage her to be kind to herself and practice positive self-talk. Remind her of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit” (CSB).
Investing in big and small moments
If you have the opportunity to walk alongside a grieving child for several weeks or months, you might work through all six points. But if your time together is short, you might only skim through a few. Don’t allow time restraints to prevent you from doing what you can.
Earlier this week I was volunteering at our local elementary school. Through the school’s reading program, I have five minutes with each student. On this day, I greeted a first grader as he slid into the chair beside me. We’ll call him Connor. I asked Connor how he was doing, and Connor’s eyes welled up with tears as he told me his parents were getting a divorce. I listened quietly. As I validated his feelings, Connor went on to describe yelling and hitting between his parents, and how he felt when hiding alone in his room. I was the first person Connor told, and I let him know how brave he was for sharing his big feelings. I told Connor none of this was his fault. Then, I suggested we talk with the school counselor. My time with Connor was short, but we covered sections of those first four points.
I was invited back to Connor’s classroom the next day to share my children’s book, When God Makes Scribbles Beautiful. The book begins with the line, “Sometimes, hard things happen.” As a class, we talked about the hard things kids face. Connor wasn’t ready to share his story, but he listened as classmates discussed grandparents dying, moving to a new city, feeling left out at recess, and dividing time between two parents’ homes.
“One of the hallmarks of trauma is not knowing when it will hit or who it will affect.” — @KateRietema Share on XPrepared to care
Lifeway’s B&H Kids created fantastic resources to accompany this book. The first is a Parent Connection sheet to facilitate deeper discussion. The second is a set of nine printable Promise Cards with hope-filled Bible verses from the story. This book was a wonderful resource for Connor and his classmates, and it might be a helpful resource for kids in your church too.
One of the hallmarks of trauma is not knowing when it will hit or who it will affect. So, I hope this article offers a few new tools as we ready ourselves to support children facing acute trauma.
For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.
