Marriage and Ministry: Is There Such a Thing as Balance?

Marriage and ministry as a combination are difficult. Anyone who tells you it’s easy is a liar. It’s always complex; it is demanding.

By Lizzy Haseltine

Is it possible for a husband and wife to both be in ministry but not be married to ministry?

Luke and Caroline Saunders share how their relationship has evolved through serving the Lord together. Luke teaches and preaches at Colonial Hills Church’s campus in Hernando, Mississippi. Caroline, a writer and Bible teacher, serves on the worship team of their church and in a local women’s ministry.

In the following Q&A, the Saunders share their story and insights for better balancing ministry and marriage.

How did you meet? Did you both feel called to ministry when you started dating?

Caroline: We met in high school. Luke always said he wanted to be a pastor. I also felt a pull towards girls’ ministry, even at that time. As soon as I could, I was serving girls younger than me. When we were in college, we at times served as interns at our home church, Bellevue Baptist in Memphis.

What are some of the blessings of having a spouse who is also in ministry?

Caroline: When I am teaching the Bible somewhere, I have somebody in my home who understands how hard that is. He can help me in a very practical sense with the content or with how to navigate certain dynamics. In a spiritual sense, he offers encouragement. I find that to be a huge benefit that some women who are teaching the Bible don’t have.

I also think it can be a benefit to our church because we’re complementarians. The main teacher in our main worship settings is a man (Luke). But he comes to the text having talked about it with me. So sometimes he’s able to care for the women in the audience in a way he couldn’t if he wasn’t able to get my perspective.

What are some of the challenges of having a partner who is also in ministry?

Caroline: One of the hard parts that I think everybody in ministry would understand is that ministry is a very leaky thing. It leaks into all the other facets of life because it’s so relational. Luke and I have had to learn—and are still learning—where it’s appropriate for it to leak in and where we need to guard against it.

“Ministry is a very leaky thing. It leaks into all the other facets of life because it's so relational.” — Caroline Saunders Share on X

One of the ways that shows up is, sometimes I’ll come to Luke, and I’ll want to talk like I’m talking to my husband. And he is thinking of the conversation from the lens of a pastor. I have to say, “I’m not talking to the pastor right now; I just need to tell my husband.”

Luke: One of the difficult things we’ve been talking about recently is the fact that my life is very shared. I’ll be sharing at a staff meeting. Then it comes to Caroline in a sideways manner, but not in a bad way. And Caroline’s like, “Well, he never shared that with me.” It produces tension sometimes. We’re always having to work through that and fight against the adversary. It requires a lot of faithful conversation on our part to make sure nothing is growing or festering and that I’m not holding anything back that I need to be communicating with her.

How do you balance marriage and ministry?

Luke: Marriage and ministry as a combination is so very difficult. Anyone who tells you it’s easy is a liar. It’s always complex; it is demanding. The lines are always blurry, and you are always having to try to make them clear again as to what’s too much and what’s too far.

There was a season right after our little girl was born, which required a major shift. Up until that point, we were husband and wife and just a family of two. The demands were different. I had a temptation to continue with that same level of expectation that I could be gone long. I could put in crazy hours. Or I could go out of the country on the mission trip. Then I began to sense I had to cut back, and I needed to say no. I need to trust that God is going to take care of His bride and I’m going to take care of mine.

I want to make sure I’m being faithful to love my family well. I know if I start to lose my family, I’ll lose my ministry. It’s not worth it. I’m in covenant with her, not with this congregation.

“I know if I start to lose my family, I'll lose my ministry. It's not worth it.” — Luke Saunders Share on X

Caroline: It took us a while to learn we couldn’t just make margin and boundaries, but we continually have to fight for them. You aren’t going to get it right—somebody’s going to go too far. I don’t think we have to fall into a pit of shame and feel like failures at that moment. It’s just an opportunity to course correct.

How do you practically share your needs with your spouse?

Caroline: When somebody else is sharing with me about a deep conversation they had with Luke, I will get so jealous of that. I have to ask God to, “Search me, O Lord, and know my heart. Try me, know my thoughts. See if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” [paraphrase of Psalm 139:23-24]. The Lord will help me discern I desire closeness with Luke and in his current season that is not as present as I want it to be. And it’s OK for me to feel that.

So then, I need to go to Luke—not with blame—and say, “I think you need to take me on a date.” That has become very healthy for us. I’m allowed to ask for what I need, and Luke is really receptive to that. But it would be deeply offensive to him if I just came on attack mode and was like, “You love the church more than me.” Because that’s totally not true.

Is there a Scripture or Bible character you keep in mind when trying to meet both the demands of a family and ministry?

Caroline: One helpful thing to remember about Jesus is He really was quite aware of His limits. He didn’t minister to every single person—and He’s Jesus. He would go off by Himself. There were places He didn’t go to. There were times when He was just with His disciples rather than with crowds. That is important to look to because the lie in ministry is that it is your job to serve all the people all the time.

“The lie in ministry is that it is your job to serve all the people all the time.” — Caroline Saunders Share on X

Early on in our ministry, I felt like if somebody had a problem, we better get to it. We’re the fixers. But what we soon realized after we’d had two of our three children, is if we respond to every crisis, we become the people in crisis. We are offering ministry beyond our limits. Jesus offers a helpful example. Pay attention to not just what Jesus did but also what Jesus didn’t do. That can help us be human people rather than trying to be the super-spiritual saviors God did not create us to be.

For permission to republish this article, contact Marissa Postell Sullivan.